Let it go…


This is much harder to do than say! Trust me. This funky outfit- to say the least, was Phoebe’s choice of clothing for Sunday mass. The First Holy Communion mass, at that. I asked that all the kids pick out their outfits, including socks and shoes. Well, before I could make it to Phoebe, think Mom actually taking a shower, she was already dressed and with shoes on. When I walked in to check on her outfit, (control freak much?) she was beaming at her accomplishment of having obeyed my request. The first time. Not only had she picked out her outfit and shoes, she had successfully put them on… Including her shoes!!!! This is HUGE. Really. HUGE. How could I burst her bubble? She was so proud. As a matter of fact, so was I! At that moment I had two choices. A good one: to praise my daughter for good listening skills, or a bad one: reprimand her for not putting on church clothes. They did not match, they were not appropriate for mass, and furthermore, it was not cute, at all!

I took the high road, and let it go! That old saying, pick your battles, when it comes to parenting, is so true. I chose to love my daughter and her behavior rather than worry what others might think. 10 years ago, I would have never taken this road. My now 10 year old, was perfectly put together at all times. How very stressful that was. Add three more kiddos and more wisdom to the mix and voila, you get a very mismatched outfit but an adorable princess who followed instructions the first time. So, I have learned to Let it go… And it feels so good!

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A Promise To Myself

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“There is no greater agony that bearing an untold story inside you.” Maya Angelou

I think about writing Every. Single. Day. It is an outlet for me that I never even knew I craved. It is a way to express myself so that I do not keep things bottled up inside. However, I never find the time to write. Nor, do I make the time to write. I made a promise to myself many years ago that I would always communicate what was bothering me when my husband and I were fighting or heading towards disconnect. I always have found the time to communicate my discontent or frustration before it was too late. Before I let things get bigger than they needed to be. It has worked. When I sense a volcano is about to erupt, inside of me, I very strategically talk myself through what is bothering me.  I compartmentalize my thoughts and then I talk to my husband about what might be dragging me down emotionally. I need to do the same with my writing. It is known as Journal Therapy. When I have something on my mind, I need to stop what I am doing. Whatever that may be and write it down. Compartmentalize it. Journal it. Writing down my thoughts and feelings to either come to a deeper understanding of myself, or of the world, or just to provide a kind of healing to the stresses of abuse, insecurities, or everyday situations. It is a must for my sanity. Most of the things I want to write about, I am afraid others might not appreciate what I have to say. They might get offended. They might think differently than me. I have decided, I will write it down anyway. I will write as a therapy for my sanity. I promise to take care of me. I promise to write Every. Single. Day. Okay, that might be a little unrealistic, so I will try to write as often as possible. This will help the healing process, whatever that may be.

Do you write for therapy?  What drives you to write? Let me know your thoughts in the comment section.  Oh, and be prepared for me to start getting deep.

 

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The waiting game

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Tick tock, tick tock… Have you ever heard the saying, a watched clock never moves? Welcome to my world.

My life is a waiting game. Every single day when I wake up, I find myself counting down the days on an internal calendar. The problem is, the calendar I reference on a daily basis does not have that big red X on it that indicates an end date. You know the date that says, “Today is the day!” You made it. Instead, I know I am looking at years of waiting for the day when we can be free of the rat race of life on land. I am at the mercy of my husbands’ dreams. I have to wait until he has the same epiphany I had about a year ago.

My epiphany goes a little something like this…I realized I am so fed up with the mentality of society as a whole. I had to break it down as simple as I could to make it all make sense. Here it goes. First, we as a society have such a horrible case of the “It’s all about me” mentality. Now, I know, that my fancy pants diagnosis is not real, however, it should be! Of course there are exceptions to every rule, but, more often than not, people are watching out for número uno! Second, we make decisions on a daily basis based on fear. The fear of the unknown, can be pretty scary, but, c’mon we have been trained to question everything about everything. We can’t even just eat dinner without being afraid of how they raised the chicken. We certainly can’t get on a plane without fearing God forbid, the plane goes down. As I am writing this post, a passenger next to me is having a conversation with the third person in our row. He stated that he could not and would not put a swimming pool in his back yard. Why? Because he did not want a roaming kid to randomly wander into his gated and locked backyard, possibly fall into the pool and then by chance drown while he was at it. We are afraid of what might happen, but even more so, by lawsuits. He was an attorney and has just seen way too much of an abused system. We have a way of feeling the need to cater to the minority, just to steer clear of a lawsuit that is based on discrimination. We are afraid they might win. F.E.A.R. Is taking over our society and sneaking into everyone’s every move.

Incredulously, I have to make conscious decision’s on a daily basis to prioritize God, my husband, my children and then my extended family and friends. It used to come pretty easy to me. But, I have to admit, the overwhelming amount of information that I have to sift through myself has become tiresome. I call it an information overload. I am working even harder to “gatekeep” everyday things from my four younger children. So many things that have become acceptable in today’s society, that would have blown a parents mind just 10 years ago, is amazing. Not amazing in a good way. It is sad. Parents spend so much time using electronics as babysitters. My eight year old said that ten year olds need phones according to a kid she does theater with. The simple explanation was it helps you with homework (the calculator) and when you get lost (?????) you can call your parents. It was just last year that I heard parents general consensus was no cell phones until the kid was about 13. But this year the age apparently has dropped to ten?!?! I want to get away from all of this. I want my kids to play kick the can and red rover. I don’t want them constantly asking for the iPad. They don’t even get to watch television or go to public school. I want their curriculum to be geographically worldly. I want them to learn by seeing not by reading about it in some tired old textbook, taught via common core.
Every day I encounter another sad story about someone’s rights being taken away.
My husband is moving up so quickly in his profession, that he wants to stick it out until he makes it to the top of his line of work. He is just finishing up his Master’s degree and wants to be able to put his degree to use. He also dreams of making the transition to a cruising family, just not on the fast track, like I do. He is more content with the slow track, that has the retirement attached to it. He is more in tune with the conservative, well thought out path. I, on the other hand, am more of a free spirit. I am ready to get out there and let’s the chips fall as they may. Although I have some sort of plan, I am more of the palm tree. I go with the wind. So, until I have the date set in stone I sit and I wait. And wait. And wait.